Life Lessons on Losing and Love

I know that most of you may not want to read this – it isn’t about weight loss or exercise or food logs. This post is more for my own benefit – see I am at a place where I have never been. So many dreams are being fulfilled and I’m excited and terrified all at the same time. Some days I want to forget the struggle of infertility but then other days I think of how strong it has made both DH and I. This is the story of 1 day – 1 breakdown. It also happens to be the month before we found out we were pregnant……..this is the month that we decided maybe, just maybe it wasn’t going to happen for a while. In the span of one day I learned how to let go of a dream and begin the grieving process. I think I cried most of the day….no more like I screamed and wailed most of the day. I’m not an overly religious person but on that day I remember screaming in the parking lot at work – “GOD, WHY???” I told my mom that I felt cut off – like I was rattling the windows of Heaven without any answer…….I had spent months of my life begging and pleading for just one baby – just the experience of positive pregnancy test – just to see the tears in my husband’s eyes when I told him. Yet on this day (March 12th by the way) I felt like a failure – I felt broken both physically and emotionally. Let me kind of start from the beginning.

Rich and I had been trying for 20 months…..it doesn’t ever get easier and trust me, sex is no fun at that point. I was obsessed with getting pregnant. Reading every book, website, article on the topic of PCOS and infertility. I had been on so many synthetic hormones that I couldn’t even keep up – my body was tired and bloated. This day – March 12th was to tell us if the hormones worked – if all my hard work and scheduled sex and hot flashes and weight gain had been worth anything. I go in get my sonogram – they don’t see any eggs – do a blood draw and promise to call that afternoon. They did call and I think all I heard was it didn’t work. I tried to hold it together but the tears came like a flood. I ran from my office and looked for safety in the parking lot – of course my boss comes out at that moment and asks what is going on. I couldn’t share this with him – no one could understand my grief. I tried to calm myself and called the hubby. He was, of course, supportive and sympathetic but he had been struggling with the fact that what we had then was no longer enough. He took my want to have a baby as a slight to him – like he wasn’t enough. We had a huge fight that night and I remember just begging him to leave me alone in my sorrow – I called my mom and for the first time since I heard the news I found comfort. I felt guilty that my husband couldn’t comfort me but I just needed my mom. Rich came in later and we talked – I told him that I felt so alone and scared – I was confused and because I had grown up religious I felt like I was being punished. My husband is not religious so he doesn’t understand that aspect of my heart. I explained to him that I just needed someone to love me and pray for me – I didn’t fault him for not being that person but I knew that he wasn’t. It was a great conversation and a traumatic day – one that I can’t/won’t ever forget – one that makes me cry even now as I type this.

The beautiful ending to this story is that the next month we found out that we were pregnant – totally unexpected too. The night that we found out that a baby was coming, my husband looked at me and said the sweetest thing he has ever said to me. He told me that he prayed for me……..in that moment I understood what lessons I needed to learn through this experience……I realized how much stronger my marriage was and I knew that this was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with.

So all of that being said – if you got this far, I’m sorry. Again, this was more for my own benefit – I don’t want to ever forget the struggles that brought us to this place – I want to always be thankful for the hardships, lessons, love and blessings that I have been given.

Belly Pics

So after much procrastination here are some belly pics! The first 2 are at 15 weeks and the last 2 are at 11 weeks.......can you say whoa belly!!

Almost 16 weeks!!

WOW - the weeks are flying by and I have the belly to prove it. I'm hoping to get some pictures up soon. The weekend proved to be less than relaxing but it was a good time. We threw Rich aka daddy a surprise birthday party to which he swears was not really a surprise.....what a bum! Of course there was July 4th at the Harris house and then a block party on Saturday night. I should have been ready to come back to work for the rest but really I had to drag my butt out of bed on Monday morning. This weekend is our huge garage sale and Friday is a doctor's appointment. I can't wait to hear our little Jellybean's heartbeat and schedule our big ultrasound!!! I really need to write more in my journal because I haven't picked it up since the move.....I want to make sure that I get plenty written down since this is it as far as pregnancy's go. Okay so on to document a few things and then back to work.




1. I will be 16 weeks pregnant, tomorrow! I can't believe how quickly it seems to be moving but at the same time it seems to move at a snails pace. You know those times when you get up 5 times a night to pee, your tailbone hurts if you sit down and your feet swell if you stand??? Yeah, those times make it seem like an eternity but the rest of the time has been smooth sailing.

2. Swelling - ummmmm, yeah. That's pretty nasty by the end of the day. I've always been prone to it but with the heat and pregnancy.........let's just say I resemble a marshmallow at the end of the day - not pretty!

3. No real cravings other than cereal and milk. Oh and the occassional want of chinese food but really nothing crazy yet. I feel like I've done well this month with weight gain but we'll see come Friday when I go to the doctor's office. I did have my blood glucose checked at my last appointment and they said it was perfect - yay!!

4. I wish I could give a glowing gym report but in all honesty, I suck right now. I'm tired and always have so much going on. I haven't had a free weekend since we moved and the 2 Saturday mornings when I did - I slept late.......I have to get back in the groove. I miss it for the most part and I know I will feel better if I "JUST DO IT"!

5. We are moved and the Summer is in full swing - the kiddo is driving me crazy with all of his activities and the hubby's work schedule has been completely out of whack. Oh, and I seriously need a vacation!!

6. We are having visitors and will be using the nursery for a guest room until the end of September but then I get to start decorating!! I can't wait - not that I have anything picked out.......I just can't seem to find the perfect bedding and of course if you don't know what colors then it's hard to select a crib. Daddy says I'm too picky but I just want this room to be perfect!

Okay gotta run and get back to work - I'll update on the weight gain on Friday afternoon.

So much has happened in the last few weeks!

Dear baby - it seems like forever since I wrote my last post. Trust me your mommy is not a slacker but I have been really busy packing and moving into our new house. We are finally there and are slowly getting things put away. It was a rough few days but I'm happy to say that we survived and you now officially have a room. We will be using it as a guest room until October - this will make sure that your Aunt Tracey has a place to stay when she comes to visit in September. We can't wait to see her! Your nursery already has some of your clothes hanging in the closet and I can't wait to see it with baby furniture and toys in it.

Speaking of preparing - we are 1 day shy of 14 weeks! I can't believe how fast things have gone. I guess that is what happens when you're having fun?? We did get to see you and hear your heartbeat on June 13th. You looked great and were measuring right on target! Your little heart was beating away at 166 bpm - does that mean that you are a girl??? I guess we will have to wait to find out, at least for a few more weeks.

As for me......I've gained 12 pounds as of my last doctor's appointment. Not sure that I like that but as long as you are okay that is all that really matters. I've been trying to exercise and stay active but that isn't always easy because I'm still fairly tired. I'm struggling to find nursery bedding and furniture that I like - dad says "you're not picky"......he's being sarcastic of course! I just want the perfect bedding for you - you are such a miracle and a blessing. I am so in love with you already and I can't imagine how much stronger that will become when you arrive! I can't wait for Christmas!

Love,
Mommy

So much to write and so little time

My dear sweet jellybean.....today marks 8 weeks and 3 days since you joined us. Hmmmm, that means only 31 weeks and 4 days left to go! I'm afraid if I start counting like this the time will never pass! So much has been going on in our lives that I have barely had time to breathe let alone post. For starters we are buying a house, have our current house on the market, your dad wants to buy a different car and of course work is always busy. By the time I get home in the evenings I am exhausted and usually too tired to do much more than put on my pj's and watch tv. Last night I did manage to find the strength to plant some flowers and throw the football around with Nate. Speaking of Nate - he got chosen for the percussion section of the 6th grade band! He is so excited - out of 50 kids that tried out he was picked 7th!!

I had an appointment with Dr. Howell (he will be helping you into the world) last week and he seems very nice. He took time to answer our questions and ask some of his own. He scheduled a sonogram for June 6th so we can see you again! I can't wait to hear your little heart beating - I plan to record it so I can play it for your brother and grandparents. Your Papaw is keeping up with me everyday - sometimes I think he may be more excited than I am - in fact, he is the one who nicknamed you jellybean, so blame him! Granna and Poppa are also busy thinking of things they can do and buy. They have already claimed the right to buy your bed so at least you'll have a soft place to sleep when you get here. Then of course, Grandma and Grandpa are busy building your cradle - well probably Grandpa more than Grandma but I'm sure she is doing a good job of supervising :~)

Other than that - you daddy is a bit disappointed that the Dallas Stars didn't make it to the Stanley Cup but he is really excited about being able to take you to a hockey game next season. Your first outfit is a Dallas Star's outfit - Granna says if you're a girl you are going to look really funny in that green and black! Nate is excited about school almost being over.....boy does the time fly by! Seems like just yesterday we were touring his new school and now they are ready for summer break!

Keep growing strong sweet baby jellybean. I'm counting down the days until I can feel you move around! I already love you so much and I can't wait to meet you!

Things to note.....

Symptons:

extreme fatigue......who knew that you could actually be this tired AND be awake.
insomnia........not sure if this pregnancy related or just stress related. One thing I am sure of is that this is NOT helping to remedy sympton #1.
strong sense of smell......maple bacon - I think not!! I now have the ability to smell the office bathroom from all the way down the hall. This is a NOT SO pleasant side effect.
hormonal......now before anyone decides to run to the defense of my husband, I have been more mushy and sappy. I would like to think that I have kept my stinging tongue in check (most of the time!)

I haven't had a lot of morning sickness (thank you baby for being kind to your mommy!) and only a few days of heartburn.

Cravings:

Hamburger meat......anyone who knows me knows how weird that is because I don't really like meat???
Watermelon.......I can't wait until they are actually in season so I don't have to be a fortune for a little bitty melon!
Salsa.......this has really always been an obsession though.

Meeting baby for the first time...

We went for our firt sonogram on May 6th. Everything looked good according to Dr. K and we saw the tiny flickering heartbeat....WOW! By Dr. K's estimate I am due on December 28th. What an incredible Christmas gift this year!!

After the sonogram Dr. K said that everything looked "better than great" and released me to see a regular OB doctor.......WOOHOO for a normal doctor finally! So it was with a little bit of sadness that I said goodbye to Dr. K and his staff. They had been incredible and really helped me keep things in perspective when it got rough. I promised to bring our final product in for inspection sometime in January 2009!

Telling the family.....

After finding out that we were expecting on Wednesday (April 23rd), Dr. K wanted me to come back in for another blood test and ultrasound - just to make sure that the pain I had been experiencing in the first place was not a tubal pregnancy. As soon as the appointment was over and I was give the green light, I rushed to my mom's office to deliver her baby balloon, flowers and Granna goodybag. I was so excited to tell our parents that I was about to bust! My mom reacted exactly as I thought she would - first with shock that I was there and then with lots of tears and hugs! The minutes surrounding telling the grandparents are right up there with learning about it ourselves!

After leaving Granna's office, it was off to Papaw's house to deliver a balloon and Papaw goodybag. I wish I could say that my dad was as quick to catch on as my mom but that wasn't the case.....he stood in the doorway for a few minutes wondering why I wasn't at work. Actually i could see the worry on his face because I never miss work and I'm sure he was thinking something horrible had happened. I handed him the gift bag and balloon - he look puzzled and asked what it was.....geez Dad!! He finally got the hint and broke out in a smile. Although he would never admit it, there were tears shed there too!

We wanted to tell Rich's parents and Nate (big brother) at the same time so as soon as I got home from work we headed over to Grandma & Grandpa's house. Nate's gift was a Big Brother Toolbelt complete with tongs, safety glasses, clothes pins, air freshener, diapers, wipes and rubber gloves - all of these items were put in a handy dandy toolbelt that he could tie around his waist (it was really funny!). We got Grandma and Grandpa a card along with a legacy book for each of them. They opened the books and, like everyone else, look puzzled. Grandpa started opening the card which would formally announce our miracle but Rich couldn't wait - he finally just blurted it out. Obviously neither of us had eloquent words to tell about our upcoming arrival but I don't think it mattered. With the amount of hugs, tears, laughter and screaming (yes Aunt Janet screamed)no one missed an Academy Awared winning speech.

Life changing words......

The words "you're pregnant" carry such a huge significance. A weight that I could never have understood until I heard them. I still tear up thinking about that day, those few moments in time when the world stood still and I felt the hand of God reach down into my heart.

Actually I had been ill due to some massive doses of fertility meds.....there is just nothing pretty about a grumpy, swollen, hormonal woman (ask my poor husband) but I digress.....I had been ill and had actually been to the doctor on a semi-emergency trip the day before (April 22nd). Dr. K examined and proceeded to tell me what problems and complications I was having and sent me home with some pain medicine and strict instruction to rest. Before I left his office he mentioned doing a blood test to make sure that I wasn't pregnant. I remember laughing at him and assuring him that I had already taken 2 tests at home not to mention I just thought the timing was off for the last cycle. In reality, I had made peace with the fact that pregnancy may or may not be possible for me - I had prayed and finally released over to God. In return, I was given a surreal sense of peace. You know that "peace that passes all understanding"? I willingly sat down in the chair and let the nurse dig around in my arm for a vein, then left. In fact, on the way home I called Rich and complained about having to get blood drawn again by the "mean nurse". I made it home, Rich got my prescription and I camped out on the couch for the evening. I had already prepared myself for our last round of fertility drugs so I honestly didn't think twice about the blood test.

The next morning I drug myself out of bed and to work. I felt awful but there was no reason to feel awful at home - at least at work I could get something done. I finally decided to head out to pick up some lunch and I wasn't in my car for 5 minutes when the phone rang. I contemplated not answering it because I knew it was the Dr.'s office - I didn't need one more thing to make me feel icky. The phone continued to ring and I rummaged through my purse to find it. I answered the phone having no idea that my whole life would change instantly......the nurse said "you're pregnant" and I didn't believe her. I kept telling her that she was wrong and was she sure and this isn't funny. Eventually she was able to convince that fertility doctors don't usually call their patients and pull horrible April Fool's jokes like that - I was shocked and hysterical all at the same time. I was crying uncontrollably and pulled my car over so that I could Rich at work. I wish that I had some great romantic story to tell about how I told him but I pretty much just blurted it out (through hysterical sobs of course).

Those were the most magical minutes of my life. Even now I am amazed at how I instantly fell in love with this jellybean. I had no idea that you could be so in love with someone that you never even knew existed. I feel so blessed that my struggle through infertility has ended and I am able to experience the joys of pregnancy and motherhood.

The beginning.....

For most of you reading this you all know our "story" but for those that don't I'll put it down as quickly as possible. Rich and I married in January of 2005 with the intentions of waiting a year or so before getting pregnant. Little did we know that that getting pregnant would not be as easy for us as we thought. We started trying in August of 2006 and after no success on our own we were referred to a specialist that dealt with infertility.

As soon as met with Dr. K I felt some hope. I was diagnosed with PCOS which is a disorder caused by insulin resistance and required me to take Metformin and eventually Clomid. Long story short - after 21 LONG months of trying we were blessed with a pregnancy. We are thrilled, our families are excited and I know that God has great things in store for the little "jellybean".........more on how that came about in another post!